Christmas in July

Bizarre, exotic, strange, mind-boggling, too good-to-be-true messages come across the Internet, promising joy, rapture, riches and enlightenment. This is one of them. This is a totally fool-proof, 100 percent clad-in- stainless-steel step into the future, where you will be taken to a hitherto unmapped warp in time that will release your powers, which, until now, have been rigidly bound by work rules, loan payments, worn out tires and un returned phone calls.

It is so simple. But you must follow the rules.

Daylight savings time begins officially at 2 a.m. Sunday, April 2. Most of America will be setting clocks ahead by one hour upon retiring the night before, or scrambling to set clocks ahead after daylight.

Do not!

Why settle for a measly one hour when, with a little more effort, you can gain days, weeks, even months or in the extreme, years?

You may have Christmas in July if you want. Why? Well, the weather is better, the stores aren’t crowded, the kids won't have to worry about whose turn it is for Christmas. You can barbecue Christmas dinner.

Do not wait until 2 a.m. Sunday, April 2, to set your clocks ahead. Set them ahead tomorrow afternoon. Do not stop by setting them ahead by one hour. Set every clock ahead by 3,648 hours. This will fast forward you to Sept. 3, 2006. Enjoy your Sunday. When you wake up the following Monday, take the day off, because it will be Labor Day.

Instructions: For exact instructions on how to derive the full benefits of this incredible time-management plan, go to wxw.taufcharneski.fun. Caution, do not select the instruction website until after midnight tonight.

Home & Garden Idea Fair dates set

Clark Public Utilities’ annual Home and Garden Idea Fair returns to the Clark County fairgrounds for a three-day run, Friday, April 28, through Sunday, April 30.

The show, in its 15th year, includes the region’s largest plant sale, along with hundreds of home and garden exhibits, special presentations, and innovative energy technology displays.

Exhibits will fill both the Exhibition Hall and the plant-sale building and will also be shown along the fair midway.

Admission is free. However, there is a $5 fee for parking. In addition, canned food donations and cash contributions to the utility’s Operation Warm Heart are suggested.

The show is produced by Clark Public Utilities, with assistance from the Specialty Nursery Association of Clark County, the Washington Association of Landscape Professionals, The Columbian and 1190 KEX.

People

Donna Mason, director of Media Services for the City of Vancouver, has been selected to receive a Distinguished Alumni Citation Award for the year 2006 from Willamette University, university president M. Lee Pelton announced this week. Citation honorees are chosen for outstanding service to their professions and their communities by the board of directors of the Willamette University Alumni Association.

News briefs

Thursday, between 4 and 10 p.m., detectives from the Clark County Sheriff's Office Tactical Detective Unit and the Vancouver Police Department's Neighborhood Response Team conducted an anti-prostitution sting operation in the Hazel Dell area. As a result of their combined efforts, nine people were arrested for prostitution as well as other crimes. n Tickets for the Hot July Nights’ Beach Boys concert in Esther Short Park on Friday, July 14, are not yet on sale. For information on ticket prices and availability, as well as corporate sponsorship opportunities and group tickets, go to www.hotjulynights.com. n The Oregon Chamber Players’ student apprenticeship program is open to high school and college-age students. Deadline for applications is Wednesday, April 5. For further information, call (888) 627-8788.

Calendar

Kazoodles’, specialty toy store west of Vancouver Farmers Market at 575 W 8th Street, grand opening is 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, April 1, and noon to 4 p.m. Sunday, April 2. Bizzy the Clown will be in attendance. n Innovative Services NW Caring Heart Awards dinner and celebration begins with a silent auction at 6 p.m. Saturday, April 1, in the Heathman Lodge. n Violinist Angela Svendsen performs in the Commander’s Bar in The Restaurant at the Historic Reserve  at 6 p.m. Saturday, April 1. There is no cover charge. n Teen Battle of the Bands, sponsored by Fort Vancouver Regional Library District and Nettingham Audio, is 7 to 11 p.m. Saturday, April 1, in the Noise Box, Lacamas Conference Center, 2025 Goodwin Road, Camas. Admittance is free. 

Headlines at home and from around the world: (Click on the headlines below for the rest of the story)

Friday on the air       Seattle Mariners at Portland Beavers (live)—7 p.m. KFXX, KKAD    Seattle at Portland Timbers (live)—7 p.m. KCMD    Vancouver Fire Department Awards Ceremony (3/28)—7:30 p.m. CVTV    Depression, Suicide and Binge Drinking (3/14)—9 p.m. CVTV    Vancouver Symphony Orchestra: Celestial Navigation—10 p.m. CVTV

Town Tabloids and the weather Heather Allmain setting all kinds of records. n Dawn Johnston collecting RSVPs. n Judie Stanton’s home and garden ideas live on. n Linda Dufault saying nice things. n Erick Anderson coming up with new information. n Betsy Williams announcing good news. n Craig Hogman reciting the facts. n Nancy Vlcek making connections. n Friday, mildly blustery and spring-like, 52. Saturday, partly cloudy lawn  mowing day, 60. Sunday, sunbreaks, possible showers, 53.

Accounting Caley & Associates, James Caley CPA, 695-0065 Peterson & Associates, P.S., Certified Public Accountants, 574-0644 Tax Advisors, PLLC, CPAs Property Tax/Cost Segregation 750-6884 Attorneys Miller Nash LLP. Steve Horenstein, 699-4771 Schwabe, Williamson & Wyatt, Lisa Lowe, 694-7551 Banks Bank of Clark County, 993-2265 First Independent Bank, 699-4200 West Coast Bank, 695-3439 Beauty and Wellness Iduhair & Company Salon Retreat, Celinda Rupert, 735-1249 Charitable Gift Planning Barbara Chen CFP, Clark College Foundation, (360) 992-2659 David DiCesare, The Community Foundation, (360) 694-2550 Jim Forkner, FAHP, SWMC Foundation, (360) 514-3182 Elson Strahan, CFRE, President, Historic Reserve Trust (360) 992-1835 Cosmetic and Family Dentistry Earl C. (Duke) Simpson, DDS, PS, 993-0300 Construction Management and Development Andersen Construction Co., Inc. Bob Durgan, (503) 720-5234 RSV Construction, Ron Frederiksen, 693-8830 Credit Unions Columbia Credit Union, 891-4000 iQ Credit Union, 992-4242 Development/Investments Killian Pacific LLC, 567-0625 Prestige Development, Elie Kassab, 993-0010 Human Resources Consultation O'Neill & Associates, Paula Johnson, 606-2961 Insurance Services Keenan Insurance Services, Brandon M. Keenan, 213-1500 Investment and Retirement Planning First Pacific Associates, Mark Martel, CFP, (360) 254-2585 Public Relations Hunt Communications Tom Hunt, 693-8180 KMac & Associates LLC, Kathy McDonald Rocky/Hill & Knowlton, Krista Hildebrand, (503) 248-9468 Real Estate Coldwell Banker Commercial Wally Hornberger, 699-4494 Norris Beggs & Simpson, Roger Qualman, 699-7181 Retirement and Inheritance Planning Andy Nygard, CFP, (360) 695-6431 Signs Security Signs, Designed to inform and sell! Carol Keljo, 817-9959 Speaking and Training Kathy Condon, Career Communications, 695-4313 Window Washing Quality Window Washing, Dave Beecher, 256-7370